i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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