Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
