I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
