the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
