ya dads aren't the best wingmen
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
