those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
