I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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