I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
