Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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