you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
She just used a chaser for red wine.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize
