The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
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