It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
Randomize
