We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize