You made me cry and you don't even care
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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