Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
