I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
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