My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Randomize
