talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
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