they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
