these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
