my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
