He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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