I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Still dying that you shit outside
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Randomize
