Umm I'm too high to move.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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