Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
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