I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
