New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Let's paint friendship bongs
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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