What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Randomize
