non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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