I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
