Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Randomize
