That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
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