I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Randomize
