I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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