drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Randomize
