if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
Randomize
