this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
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