seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Randomize
