I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
Randomize
