Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
