very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
I would ride that face into the sunset
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
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