Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
