Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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