You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
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