My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
