Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
