It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
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