go do what you do best...puke behind churches
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
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