The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
My bed smells like the plague
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
