i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
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