well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
